Note To My Fifteen Year Old Self

Lorna, I know that right now, you're feeling all kinds of emotions, and that's ok, because everyone goes through that stage, and it will pass.

Don't worry about what other people think, don't worry that you're not as skinny as everyone else, don't worry that you don't always get A's in tests and coursework. You're not competing with anyone, just think about you, don't worry that your hair doesn't always look right or that you have one too many spots on your face. This time of your life should be happy, and free of worry. It doesn't matter that you didn't get that lesson in Maths, or that you didn't understand the homework for French. Simply revisit those issues when you're ready, don't make them weekly goals, you're putting too much pressure on yourself.

Friendships. This is a tricky subject to tackle, but what I would say to you is people will come and go from your life, those that come into your life may not always be there, people in your life now may not be in your life in two or three years time, and that's ok. Just remember that it wasn't your fault. They didn't absent themselves from your life because they didn't like you or you didn't have a fashionable school bag. People move on, and so will you. But the people that will be in your life now, as a (nearly) twenty one year old, are the people that matter, they may be the people you will know for most of your life. It will always be difficult to lose a friend, but that doesn't always happen. You may have a few arguments and disagreements, but you will see them through, the friends that stay will be the ones who know you best, and the ones who value your friendship enough to keep going regardless of conflicting opinions or whether you accidentally bought the same top as her. You really have nothing to worry about in that department :)

Boys. Again, this is a tough one, because I know that right now you're a bit confused about boys in general. To be honest, its nothing you should worry about now. Boys will be around in five/six years time, they'll be there at uni, they'll be there in your full time job (the one where you can finally afford to buy your own house), they'll be there when you're thirty and they'll still be there when you're eighty. So please please please don't get bogged down on the whole thing. Relationships are flimsy at fifteen, you know that, they're not that important are they? It won't have a long lasting effect on your life trust me. I know you may feel differently, but when you're older, you will look back at the whole thing and laugh about it. Fifteen is not the age to worry about such things. Yes, its ok to fancy a few boys, what fifteen year old girl doesn't? But they'll be plenty of time to find someone who is right for you, but you won't find him at school!

GCSEs. Yes, they're a scary concept, and I understand that you're stressed about them, but they really aren't that big of a deal. The only influence they have is on whether or not you'll do A Levels, and if you can, which ones to study. There are other options available to you, not getting into sixth form wouldn't be the end of the world, in fact in hindsight, sixth form was probably not the best environment for you. Going to college to get your A Levels was the way to go from sixteen onwards. You may spend a couple of extra years getting to where you need to be, but believe me when I say that when you get there, it'll be the best feeling in the world, seriously, the view is great ;) Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is that GCSEs didn't really come into it all that much. All you need is five A-C grades, with at least a C in Maths and English, but trust me when I say you have everything in the bag, you'll do a lot better than you think you will right now. Its a scary time, but it has no effect on your life beyond sixteen, so don't worry so much about them, everything will fall into place and you'll do brilliantly.

 Mistakes. Everyone makes them, but any mistakes you've made, or will make, please remember that they weren't your fault. Yes you'll fret over them and worry about the consequences, but seriously, they don't matter, to be honest, I can't remember half of them now as a twenty year old. Life does go on, people forgive and forget, and you can't let them take over your life. It will have no significant impact whatsoever in later life. Go with the flow, and if you do make mistakes remember that everyone does. No one is perfect, no one goes through life 'mistake-free'. You're only human, and I still make mistakes today, but I don't dwell on them, they can only help to build you as a person, they've made you who you are right now, in 2016 and I don't have any regrets over the choices you made or the things you said or did, everything you're doing now is just how it should be, you're doing a great job Lorna, remember that.

There are some amazing thing to come, and some not so happy things. You'll do great in your GCSEs, your A Levels, and so far, university is going pretty well. You still have an amazing, supportive family, and you still keep guinea pigs.

You have some more amazing people in your life, and hopefully they're here to stay for the foreseeable. You'll feel better in yourself, you'll have loads more body confidence, you're much fitter as a 20 year old and you'll have a stable, steady part time job which pays well. You're independent, you're paying your own way through university and not many students can say that, especially when all we get is the minimum student load you can get with no grants or any other kind of help from the government, and I am so proud of you for doing that. Nathan (my brother, for those of you reading this from the outside) will pass his driving test first time, have a car to drive and you'll take late night drives out into the countryside with him and MacDonald's in tow. He will get a life guarding job, he is doing great in college and already getting university offers. We'll be really proud of him Lorns. Not that you aren't now, but he really is doing fantastically well. Sophie (my sister, again for anyone reading from the outside) is also doing well, she is doing her GCSEs at the minute, in her final year and seems to be coping well. There will be something that Sophie suffers from in the future, but don't worry because its nothing at all serious, but when it does happen, stay calm and don't panic, because I can assure you, everything will be fine :)

Mum would have started university, at the same one you'll be studying at in fact. She is studying nursing and is doing brilliantly. She'll actually graduate before you, I am so proud of her Lorna. So is dad and the rest of our family. Give her some support from time to time, reassure her that you're there if she needs anything, even if its just a rant and coffee...or just a rant. She'll really appreciate that :)

You'll go one some amazing holidays, both in England and abroad. In 2013 you'll go to America. You'll visit Florida and New York City, and you'll all have a fantastic time. Just remember not to put your iPod on your skirt, and then stand up to get something because the iPod will fall onto the concrete floor while you're in Florida and you'll smash the screen. Aside from that, your holiday will be incredible, one you'll never forget.

But then they'll be some not so great things that happen. In April 2012, Granddad will pass away, we both knew he wasn't going to be here forever, and it will hurt, it will hurt a lot, but help Mum and Nana through it best you can, hold them together, everything will be ok. Eventually it won't be so painful to talk about him, it will make you happy, instead of thinking of him just before he passed, you'll think about how it felt to spend time with him, and how lucky you were to spend seventeen happy years knowing someone and being related to such a wonderful, kind, gentle human being.

Also, in December 2015, Rudi, your cheeky, loyal, most incredible family dog in the world, will pass away. He will get poorly, he will stop eating and drinking, and the vet will say that the kindest thing to do would be to put him to sleep. Don't be upset, because he lived a good, long life for a doggy. He will be fourteen when he passes, and that's a fantastic age. He lived a wonderful life with you and our family. You won't forget him, and it still hurts now (seeing as its only a month later since we lost him) to talk about it, but he will be with mum and dad and Nathan the moment he parts from this world. Stroking him and holding his paw, talking to him until eventually, he just peacefully falls asleep. He wasn't alone Lorna. Neither was granddad, so don't be sad, be happy and grateful that you owned and loved such a terrific, loving, beautiful dog, because he loved you very much and you gave him a good life.

Be happy that you had a granddad to speak to and joke around with, because some people grow up without one, some people don't have a family as close as yours, you were lucky to have known him and he wouldn't want you to be sad, so chin up and try and be as positive as can be, ok? :)

So far, you've lived a wonderful life. You've made it (nearly) to twenty one. Yes, that isn't at all old, but I know that right now you can't even see yourself being eighteen let alone twenty one, but yes, the day will come, and faster than you think, so make the most of being a teenager, because there's only five years left of getting away with most things ;)

In five, or ten years time, I may write another one these to my twenty year old self, and keep it as a personal document. But right now I want you to be positive, because everything is just how it should be, have no regrets and live everyday how you want to live it.

Love From,

Lorna, aged 20 (and three quarters xD )

xxx

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